Standing still, or barely standing?

Have you ever been in a place in life where you are stagnant?  Standing in the same spot year after year?  Doing the same thing?  Wishing upon the star that never seems to answer quite like you’d like?

Or are you barely standing?  Just going through the same motions every day in a daze? Functioning on auto pilot?  Exhausted?

I freaking think that I am both.

In June, I will be divorced 11 years.  That is a long time.  That is the number of players allowed on the field in a football game.  The age you begin puberty (or around there).  It’s also known as “one-ty one-ty”.  The number of years that I have not been screamed at, or cheated on, or manipulated.  I haven’t had my jewelry pawned, or my favorite cd stolen.  (I loved that cd dammit!)  The number of years that I found myself again, and what I was made of.

Day in and day out, I do the exact same thing.  I get up, come to work two hours early.  Watch Netflix as I work until 8, when the office starts to populate. I take lunch at 11:45 which consists of a protein shake and cottage cheese, while I watch Netflix.  Back to work until 4:30.  Drive home and eat dinner by 5:30, in bed by 8.   Monday through Friday, that is my routine.  It may be the most boring routine I have ever experienced.  This is the Standing Still part in my life.  Just going through the motions every day.  You could set a clock by my life.  Some days I think it’s going to choke the crap out of me.

Then there is the flip side.  I joke about being mildly OCD, but truth is I exhaust myself making sure of the following:

  1. My work is completed each day.
  2. I leave with no emails in my inbox (on most days).
  3. I strive to not disappoint myself.
  4. I strive to not disappoint others.
  5. I like to have perfect hair and make up.
  6. I like a perfectly clean and tidy home to come home to.
  7. I work without paper or clutter on my desk.
  8. I respond to every text, with the exception of my mama when she is not being nice.
  9. I strive to become a branch of my daddy, and honor him by my actions.
  10. I run a Purchasing team, and I try hard to show them appreciation every day.

I am with no doubt black and white.  That gray area is where all the confusion of the world lies.  But being black and white makes me efficient.  Easy to resolve issues.  Quick to make calls, and move on to the next project.  This is why I am exhausted, the Barely Standing part of my life.

How I Pictured My Life At Almost 45:

  1. Content.
  2. Loved.
  3. Taking care of someone.
  4. Appreciated by that someone.
  5. Remarried.
  6. Physically fit.
  7. Running 5-Ks (Asthma is an asshole).
  8. Financially independent.
  9. Taking art classes.
  10. Traveling.

Now some of these are true, and happen.  Some aren’t happening.  So I stand in the middle of the road asking myself, will the missing parts ever happen.  I certainly don’t have that answer.  Only the chief upstairs does.  I respectfully put my missing pieces in his hands each day, and will be rewarded with them at the right time.

I have a good life.  Much better than most.  However, as a human, I only want to better myself.  I want the things I want.  Guess what?  None of them are material object.  BAM!

So are you Standing Still, or Barely Standing too?


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